Back again. I'm just posting here for a while, as it's somewhat of a mess over on Wordpress, although thanks to the brilliant, lovely
Blue-Eyed Heart I managed to retrieve the posts with most sentimental value to me. I'm getting there, but at a snail's pace. It's very much like that with my thesis too. I'm doomed in terms of getting the draft done by January 20th unless we suddenly experience a heat wave.
I'm not resigned to the weather reducing me to a totally unproductive state. I do try to fight it. I've taken to drawing the curtains all day, so I can't see the snow outside or if it starts again...unfortunately sometimes I can
hear it, so I'm wearing an iPod most of the time too. Even so, the number of hours when I'm not either crying or staring into space blankly are few. The anxiety this is causing is sky-high...first, I ran on the road. Then they became too icy, so I ran on the pavement, which was covered with enough snow not to be so slippy that they were impossible to naviagate. Now, they have solidified into drifts that are knee-deep. I tried my best this morning and it was honestly a living nightmare. It took me 2 hours and 5 minutes to run 13 miles, which would normally take 1hr 40 minutes. I can't do it again...my back was twisted into all sorts of weird positions trying not to fall over and I can't risk the injury potential. But I'm finding it hard to get to the gym in these conditions. It seems like someone up there is conspiring to make me crack. I've broken down twice and binged already this winter...I can't afford to snap again. Every time I try to adapt, something else jumps up and smacks me in the face. This has gone on for close to a month now. I don't know if I can take any more, but I have to because the snow isn't going anywhere. Self-indulgent though it may be, I feel as though the universe is laughing at me, taking away my exercise which was my only coping mechanism for life and forcing me into gaining weight. Though this has gone beyond issues of weight. I cannot stand letting this shit beat me.
I'm not sleeping again after one or two nights of rest. There's the possibility of grit supplies running out, gas supplies running out, power cuts...then I won't even be able to do DVDs. What about food deliveries to supermarkets? I'm utterly useless in a crisis. I barely function when it's a beautiful summers' day. I'm trying to get a sense of proportion...but seeing how much other people are suffering just makes me feel worse. I keep imaging myself in their situation, stuck in cars or unable to get out of the house. My Dad has been out shovelling snow, pushing people along who are stuck in cars despite the fact that he's 64 and had a stroke a few months ago. He's risking a heart attack to help others. He stops every time he sees someone, no matter what the risk to himself. I am a coward. I am selfish and when the going gets tough I put myself before others. I just want to get home if I'm out because I'm too much of a coward to be a good samaritan. I am a hideous and horrible person, scarcely good enough to be classified as a human being. All I worry about is weight, exercise and whether I can get to the gym or not.
My interview and almost all gym classes have been cancelled due to the weather, which is just as well given my psychological state. Well, not the gym classes. I'm going stir-crazy with only my thesis and my anxiety for company.
My main worry with moving over to Wordpress is the fact that you can't moderate comments before you receive them. On Blogger, there is an option to block anonymous commenters completely, thus filtering most of the potentially crueller people from throwing insults at me. I have no doubt that I'd get some pretty nasty comments if anons had the option. It would be just like being back at school, waking up in trepidation every morning to wonder what fresh insults would be hurled at me as soon as I entered the grounds. Does anyone know if there's a way of 'insulating' oneself on Wordpress? I know again it's an example of my cowardliness that I can't face people who are probably telling me what I don't want to hear about how much I eat and how much of a sponge I am, but I'd rather not have to test how fragile I am about this.
Eats today, just for some variety in the post:
Breakfast:
1/3 cup oats, 1 1/3 cups rice milk, 1 cup pumpkin, cinnamon, 1.5 scoops chocolate sun warrior, banana
More stress eating...I added extra protein powder on top because I used too much rice milk and the protein taste got slightly lost.
Lunch:
Chickpea salad (there are chickpeas under there!), two carrots, cherry tomatoes
Jazz apple
Gluten-free bread with Organic Pure Spread.
Snack:
Grapes and two tangerines ~ eating them like crazy for vitamin C as I think I'm getting a cold.
Dinner:
Lentil Bolognese, brown rice, peas & roasted courgette 'fries'
Snack later should be either two mini Nakd Bars or one larger one. Precluding any binges. Sorry for this rather boring and uninspired update.
