29/11/09~ Happy Birthday to Me...aka Thirsk 10 Miles Race Recap

Last night, I created two potential titles for this post before I went to sleep. Yes, I actually slept, which is a rare occurrence in itself but unheard of the day before a race. And on my birthday too, the day which usually has me in tears for twelve consecutive hours. I may seem like a self-pitying curmudgeon, but I can't stand birthdays. For me, they just symbolise how little I've achieved in my life and make me compare myself to other people my age, people who have jobs, boyfriends, husbands, children. In short, people who have 'lives.' I still live at home with my parents and cannot envisage a time where I will ever be able to inhabit a house on my own. I am just never stable enough and it's potentially dangerous for me to be alone for even a day, let alone forever. Not that I'd want children anyway, but birthdays just tend to reinforce the feelings of abnormality and being socially / developmentally subnormal that plague me constantly anyway. I have a weight of expectation on my shoulders from an unknown source, perhaps the eponymous 'society'? Who knows. And, on a more morbid level, I feel like I have wasted my life and just another year closer to death. So, these elements combined don't generally make for peaceful slumber.

This year, however, was a little different. I didn't feel so trapped and alone. I actually felt accepted in a sense and the only time I shed tears was when I read some of the birthday messages I was left both in comments and on Facebook. They were tears of happiness, trust me. I also received lovely cards from both of my aunts/uncles, and one from my Uncle particularly stood out for me because it was so well chosen and because I really admire him as a person. Although I don't see him often due to both of our mental health problems (he has chronic unipolar depression) he means a lot to me so to see that he's in a better place than he was lifted my mood significantly.

Anyway, which title I decided to use depended on how the Thirsk 10 miles went today...I'll explain what the other one was in a second ;)

Backtracking to Saturday, aka my 24th...

Breakfast:

Do you see what I did there? I turned a mini Coco Loco Nakd Bar into a candle. See, I do have a sense of humour...of a sort.

'Birthday' oats ~ 1/2 cup oats, 1 cup rice milk, cinnamon, raisins, banana, 30g Coco Loco Nakd Bar.

I had this after cycling my usual 14 miles for a Saturday morning. Thankfully, cycling is totally non-impact and as I stand most of the time there's no level of spinal compression going on. Later at the gym, my back started to twinge again. I was not a happy bunny. I'm starting to wonder whether the machines at the new gym I've been going to are affecting it in a negative way...the ellipticals are certainly set up differently. I was monumentally bored being confined to one machine and missing the treadmill severely! Major withdrawal symptoms there.

I've never been much of a party person. It's just one of the many odd things about me, but I just like to pretend that my birthday is just another day. I don't want to spend money doing anything special, because to be blunt I can't enjoy anything anyway. I can pretend to, but what 'fun' even is has always eluded me. Perhaps it's a facet of my general numbness to positive emotions, but I'm not sure I'd know how to have fun even if told to at gunpoint. Hopefully this doesn't seem to sad and pathetic! To be honest, the entire day revolved around looking forward to this:

Evening Snack:

Product Review: Larabar ~ Peanut Butter Cookie
Dense, rich, moist...I loved the PB Cookie Larabar the first time I tried it last year before the whole salmonella panic and the withdrawal of Larabars from the UK. My enthusiasm for it has waned a little but it's still one of my favourites. It was slightly smushed and crumbly, which obviously mimicks a cookie's texture. However, it did make it difficult to break and for a bar breaker like me that was a negative point. Nevertheless, most Larabars are a little unsatisfying for the size that they are but this one was so incredibly rich that the 48g bar was just right. I think it may not be my top flavour any more, but it was a delightful end to my birthday nonetheless. Huge thanks to Aisha for letting me relive the memory of this bar again <3
9/10

So, backtracking to the two post titles. The negative one was 'It's my party and I'll cry if I want to...' Thankfully, I didn't have to use it. I won't lie: when I woke up this morning I was in a significant amount of pain. My back was so stiff and 'crunchy' (can't think of a better terminology but basically it has always crunched slightly when I move, like marbles being rolled around in a bag) that I wasn't sure if I'd make the run. It was also sheeting it down with rain and lashing winds were forecast. Not ideal race conditions. But this was my first double-digit race and I was determined to give it a shot. I warmed up with an hour of my failsafe Davina McCall DVD, using the pump and boxing sections.

This loosened things up nicely but there was a 75 minute car journey ahead, during which the muscle spasms going on nearly caused me to give up again. But I had to try...even walking the thing is, to me, better than quitting before the gun has even gone off. I needed to give myself a chance. In the car, I ate two 68g Coco Loco Nakd bars and a tiny banana that was so ripe it was practically mush. Yep, that's a whopping 132g and 462 calories worth of bars! I might run before breakfast on an empty stomach when it's 6:00am, but for a race with an 11:00am start I needed some serious fuel.

I checked the race rules this morning and it's fortuitous that I did because no iPods were permitted, so no playlist this time. I actually enjoyed running without it and it was great to prove that I'm not reliant or dependent on technology in terms of pace or enjoyment when running. It was freezing while waiting to be escorted to the start line. Four degrees celcius and driving rain meant that I was shaking like a leaf. Even I couldn't run in just a t-shirt, so I pinned my race number to the front of my jacket:

Stretchy McStretch.

The start was at a racecourse, which ethically I believe is reprehensible (I loathe horse racing) but no actual money was going to the venue so I didn't mind participating in this case. It made me smile that in the US there are these fabulous race expos with all sorts of free goodies and in the UK there was a small village hall-style set up with tea, coffee, scones and soup. How very English. We waited for the kiddies to finish their three mile fun run around the race course and then squelched across to the start line for a late race (didn't go until 11:10am ~ I was sooo cold by this point!) I'm not a fan of children but I thought it was fantastic to see so many little kids running. I think it's the best thing a parent can do, to instil a love for fitness at such an early age. Those kids will never have to be the tubby one coming in last, jeered by everyone else. In short, they will never have to be me at that age. If there's one thing I wish I'd done when I was younger, it's participated in more sports instead of being a lazy, couch-bound slug. Ah well.

I got a relatively good position at the start. My target time was 1:30:00 due to the conditions and my complaining back, so I stood well behind the sub 70 minute and sub 60 minute (!!!!) markers. Once we were off I was upset to find that I was going backwards rapidly. Everyone else went off like hares...did they not realise that there were 10 miles to run!? The first three miles had areas that were flooded...the water came up to the bottom of my knees! With freezing, soaked, numb feet I started to pick my way through the crowd. There were 1600 runners in this race on narrow country roads, which were still live (i.e lots of 4x4s to dodge) so overtaking wasn't easy. Around mile four, I saw a lot of the people who had streaked past me flagging and managed to forge ahead. By the eight mile mark I felt great, as if I could keep going forever! I was warm and snuggly in my jacket and my legs still felt very fresh. I just don't get the need to sprint the first mile and tire yourself out so soon, but I suppose I've always been a slow starter (hah!) I kept with a pacemaker that I'd picked out around mile 2, but at mile 8.5 I passed her and really enjoyed the final 1.5 miles to the finish. I finished strong and could have kept going! My official time isn't up yet but my Dad's watch put me at 1:13:00 exactly, which I am elated with...yep, I am proud of myself for something :)

Here I am coming in to the finish...squint and you can just make me out behind the tatooed, muscular guy in front!

I LOVE the blue t-shirts they were handing out at the end ~ the long sleeves will be great for the cold weather.

That's my 'yay!!!' face ;)

What struck me around this course were the number of people bonking (it's a proper term, honest! It basically means hitting the wall and your body shutting down) and having to stop. Several people were throwing up at the side of the road and one woman collapsed...the poor lady had to be taken to an ambulance under a blanket of silver sheeting to keep her warm. I think it must have been the extreme cold and the run through all those freezing rivers at the beginning.

So here I am now...and my back doesn't hurt. Not one bit. I didn't feel one iota of pain after mile two. So I am left feeling highly confused. Something is niggling my back terribly but by the looks of it, it isn't running. I am very grateful for that but I seriously need to discern what IS the cause if I want to forge ahead with my half marathon dream in April. But for now, I'm going to kick back, relax and cuddle a hot water bottle.

Happy Sunday to you all! P.S Those are my thesis notes scrawled on huge sheets of paper on the wall behind me...it's the only way I can get my thoughts out quickly enough and then retain them ;)

***ETA: Official results are up here. I placed in a time of 1:12:35 for ten miles, 59th female of 318, 372nd overall of 1010 and 3rd unattached female runner (non-club runner).***

27/11/09~ Chink of Light

Let me prefix this by saying that I'm more than a little sleepy, so my thoughts may not be very lucid. What am I thinking, are they ever!? Anyway, after finally finishing that essay (insomnia can be highly useful when my eyes decide to co-operate) and narrowly avoiding a migraine, I was presented today with the task of doing small group presentations to class, which weren't being marked but we're being watched in a somewhat hawk-like manner the entire time so there's always a certain amount of pressure to 'perform' to a high standard. It wasn't as bad as it could have been. Group work is never going to be something I view with anything other than terror and revulsion but at least on this course people tend to pull their weight and contribute...apart from one of the older part-timers who barely said a word and left everything to myself and two other people. Grr. Anyway, it went quite well...although I was guilty of a little blog reading in the preparation period to calm me down. I know, I'm such a rebel, using the Uni's wireless and all. I'm just so anxious to prove that I'm not the dimwit my last essays might suggest that I am. I put so much into this essay (it's worth a higher percentage of the final module grade than the last one) and I'll be devestated if it turns out to be another failure...it really will prove that I've 'lost it' academically. But everything crossed it will be okay.

Thursday was difficult. I don't think I've done so little in a day for quite a while, even though it's probably more 'normal' than what I usually do. I was fortunate enough to have the entire day off Uni and I spent most of it going to various appointments. I had to have yet more bloodwork done and came out of the nurse's room looking paler than a Twilight vampire (not a fan...read the Vampire Chronicles by Anne Rice for a much edgier slice of contemporary vampiric action...plus she can actually structure a sentence, which is always a plus) but there was no time to collect my thoughts as I was off to seek a second (and third) opinion on my back. I hadn't asked for anything for my birthday this year (haven't for the last...um, five!) but my Mum said that I could pay to see both another phsyiotherapist and a chiropractor. Odd birthday present, I know. The point is that I always used to take the opinion of one practicioner as gospel and never question it. After seeing several bloggers (Caitlin and Megan in the past, among others) be strong, independent-minded women and question medical advice, I set out to discover whether the situation really was as bleak as my current physio had me believe.

This lady is great at her job, but she always paints a very bleak picture of what's going on. According to her, I shouldn't be able to run more than five miles and she nearly had apperplexy when I ran my first 10K nearly three years ago. She is also a private physiotherapist, so it's not technically in her interest either that I stop seeing her or go to a chiropractor for treatment. Physio number two had a somewhat different view of matters. There is an element of risk to the disc alignment in my lower back but no more so than there has always been. She thought that several things might have pushed it to the point where it's at; recently starting to swim, which causes me to tense all the muscles in my back as I'm always slightly scared in water, using the rowing machine at the gym which repeatedly jars it, sitting for more than I've ever done in years at Uni and at home doing research (my request for an orthopoedic chair is still pending) and doing too much high-impact activity on top of running. I saw her post-chiropractor visit which was both enlightening and left me feeling a little nauseous afterwards. Cracky-bone noises always make me queasy, and some of the clicking I was doing was like someone cracking their knuckles while hooked up to a massive speaker system. However, it was more than worth it. I walked out of there with minimal pain. I honestly didn't think it would be possible from just one session and I had another one earlier this evening. Fingers crossed, it's the best it's felt in years.

So basically I've been doing 2-2 1/2 hours of yoga and pilates since Wednesday and becoming very well accquianted (haha, I typed 'equated' first. Told you I was tired) with the elliptical trainer at the gym. The point is that physio no.2 did not prohibit me from running. Granted, she said 60 miles a week was really pushing my luck and it would only be a matter of time before something really bad did happen, but Wednesday's episode was most likely caused by a 'shifting' disc and the pain which followed it more of an aftershock.

This has taught me three things:
1.) I have to be more active in fighting my compulsive nature. For me, the world works in absolutes. There is no shade of grey. If I wasn't trying to build up to 100 miles a week, I was nothing. Clearly this is a ludicrous goal. My version of resting has sucked after only two days, but it has been worth it to see improvements in my spinal alignment so quickly. I would never change anything in my 'routine' before simply by virtue of it being routine...I can't afford to do that. If something is hurting me, pushing through the pain won't cut it...I might like pain, I might like to punish myself for being such a, pardon my French, screw-up, but it's not an acceptable behaviour.
2.) I need to stop being a doormat. It's not a surprise, but I felt guilty even asking for a second opinion. I am paying these people to help me...it's not a crime to question what somebody says or does.
3.) Running does not make you a God. It is a fantastic self-esteem booster but the way that the woman from Body Balance bragged about her achievements and set out to make everyone else feel inferior to her was not okay. I am no better than anyone who can't even run a metre...and equally so, she is to be admired for her time but condemned for her attitude. Bolstering your own self esteem by eroding that of others is something only bullies do. No matter what happens, I will never use running to elevate myself in that way, never at the expense of others. It's a fine line between espousing your love for running and preaching; showing off as she was.

So in the long term there's no more Body Jam, swimming or rowing for me. The sitting thing is really irritating me but there's not a lot I can do about that. As for running...well, I'll just have to wait and see. Apparently, I can give the Thirsk 10 miles a shot as long as I don't run tomorrow. I have to have two full days a week where I don't run at all. I've been looking forward to this race for so long and now that I am pain-free I'm determined to try it, even if I have to walk some of the way. Hopefully the drama of the past two days was partially caused by my panicking and the injury wasn't as bad as I thought. Please let that be the case!

Breakfast:

Another day, another bowl of cornflakes, rice milk, sultanas and banana. I have decided that Whole Earth's brand are my favourites now...lighter and more delicate than Doves' Farm. Hey, when you eat as limited a diet as I do due to IBS, you learn to become a conoisseur of the foods you can tolerate. My miraculous food reference last night was to being able to eat a Nakd bar with no ill effects...until five minutes' after the post, when the old bloating and cramp kicked in again. Spoke too soon :(

Dried Fruit = nemesis. Dried fruit and nut butter are the two foods I just cannot control myself around. Other things I will get sick of...these two foods I can eat uncontrollably for hours. I could probably polish off a jar of nut butter and a bag of raisins, sultanas, figs or dates a day if I let myself. I didn't lower my calories in the end, as the potential of bingeing was just too dangerous. I'm still worried about ballooning from this though...

...but then this arrived to distract me! I was so happy to see it when I got home.

Aisha sent me a wonderful birthday present (I'll just pretend it wasn't birthday related!) and I have to say a huge, huge thank you! Her choices were spot on ~ my two favourite flavours of Larabar! And I can't wait to try the Amazing Grass Kids mix. The paint brushes will be put to excellent use, as (as you will see below) my current brushes are looking a little dog-eared and sorry for themselves. Man, it's going to be tough to save those Larabars for tomorrow and Sunday ;)

Yep, I keep them in a mug.

Hope everyone had a faboulous Friday and is looking forward to the week-end :)

26/11/09~ Love you and Leave You

This is going to have to be a super-quick post because I'm frantically scrambling to finalise an essay of mine and I get the feeling it's going to be an all-nighter before I'm even vaguely happy with it. However, I couldn't just take a leave of absence without thanking everyone who has commented to me from the bottom of my heart. Yet again I have been pulled out of a dark place by the wisdom and rationality of my fellow bloggers. I love you all, and I mean that sincerely. Huge apologies for the temporary lull in my reading and commenting. I can't wait to catch up tomorrow though.

I should be back either tomorrow or Saturday with an injury update (hopefully a positive one) and some thoughts on the whole exercise trap / reflections on my experience. One thing I can safely say though, is that I gave dairy a shot again for today...or part of today, and come hell or high water I will find a vegan way of getting my calcium levels up, I swear. Perhaps watching PETA videos that I've never been able to bring myself to watch today wasn't the best idea, but I had to face the reality of what I was being asked to do. It boggles my mind that for four years I never had any problems but in the fifth year of my veganism I have had four dairy-eating episodes due to one reason or another. But every time I re-incorporate it, even for one meal, it just re-affirms why I don't want to be a part of consuming it, ever.

Melodrama aside, there have been some curious developments on the IBS front too. No, it's not gross, promise...more some things that I thought were no-nos suddenly seem to be okay. It's utterly bizarre...but I'll get to that tomorrow.

Hugs to everyone and happy Thanksgiving to all US bloggers (and any UK ones who like to celebrate the holiday. Or who just happen to like pumpkin.)

<3

25/11/09~W(RUN)g Out

Unsurprisingly, this won't be a happy post. This morning, while running my 13.5 miles, my back decided that it had had enough. I felt an almighty crunch in the lower vertebra(e?) and then shooting pain all the way down my left side. It's the worst injury I've ever experienced and...you know when you can 'tell' if something could be potentially damaging in the long term? Well, this felt like if I push it even once more then the disc might slip out or something even worse. I knew this would happen at some point, that my body would tell me to stuff it and my obsessive exercising would come back to slap me in the face. Remember when I said that the hip/back injury I had wasn't due to overuse or running? I was a little creative with the truth there. It may not be caused by it but it's aggravating it...the cause is, as always, scoliosis. My physio told me not to run on it last week and I ignored her. Serves me right really. I had an 'emergency' appointment this evening, but not until I'd already done some Tae-Bo, Body Balance and Power Yoga. I just can't stop. Apparently there is a huge chance that I'll slip a disc if I continue running. As in, ever. The twist in my spine is compressing everything anyway...add the impact of running and all of the other things that I do and I'm on the verge of doing permanent damage and either walking around in a back brace or ending up in a wheelchair.

The pain isn't too bad at the moment, which tempts me to push it until it is. Even now, 13 odd hours after I did it, I see people running and feel disgusting for not doing it too. There's a lady at Body Balance who belongs to a local athletics club who came in bragging about her 35:00 minute 10K at the week-end and you could see the envy and admiration in everyone else's faces. Everyone wants to be a runner...it's the ultimate sign of fitness.

Running was the only thing I lived for. It was the only thing that gave me any sense of self-esteem. It regulated my weight to an extent. Now I honestly feel that I have nothing to live for. That may sound pathetic, but I'm doing a course I dislike and which makes me so stressed I can't sleep at all. I have no friends and nobody in the immediate vicinity who I would even want as a friend anyway. All the nicest people seem to be located online on various blogs...'real' life contains only the worst of the world for me. I can't drive, the only jobs open to me are so boredom-inducing that the idea of doing them makes me want to scream. On top of that, now I'm going to end up gaining so much weight. There's just no way around it. Take away all of the exercise I was doing and my body was maintaining on 1100 calories (eat 2200, burn 1100 at a conservative estimate). Yes, don't ask me how that's possible but it is. The only exercise I'm cleared to do is strictly non-impact (walking is okay though) but I can't swim because the chlorine is aggravating my eczema so badly that I'm probably going to have to stop that too, or else lose ten pounds of skin and have legs like raw, bloody stumps.

I feel empty, bereft, self-loathing in the extreme. I don't know how to deal or cope with this. Add to that the lovely phone call I (well, my Mum ~ I'm too scared to use the phone still) received from the hospital stating that if I don't take their advice about improving my calcium levels then there's nothing more they can do for me and if I want any more scans I have to pay to go privately and you have one of the worst days of my life. I'm meant to try easing back on the running (hah!) and incorporating dairy products to see if there's any improvement. Obviously if there isn't, I could cut them out again. But that's not within my ethical framework. If anyone has any advice on how to deal with this, I would be so open to hearing it. I just want to pin a note to my head that says 'HELP ME' to be honest. Plus the amount of work I have for Uni is huge and I just can't concentrate or focus on anything at all right now.

I suppose I should break this up with some food pics...

Breakfast (Monday):

2/3 cup oats, 1 1/3 cups rice milk, cinnamon, banana, blackcurrent jam

Dinner (Monday):

Brown Rice, Sun Dried Tomatoes, Watercress, Spinach

Breakfast (Tuesday):

1/2 cup oats, 1 cup rice milk, cinnamon, banana, chestnuts, sultanas

Lunch (Tuesday):

Staple Portable Lunch ~ Brown rice salad, carrots, mushrooms

Chickpeas, tomatoes, carrots

Snack:

Grapes, Apple

Dinner (Tuesday):

Full Serving Polenta made with Rice Milk, Peas in tomato sauce, watercress in tomato sauce with nutritional yeast.

Snack (Tuesday):

Two Mini Apple Pie Nakd Bars (One Microwaved, hence the bursting /swollen effect. Twas nice and made it taste even more like an apple pie. They still don't like my stomach though) That's a whole day of eats there for Tuesday just for an example of what I've been having recently.

Breakfast (Wednesday):

Doves Farm Cornflakes, Rice Milk, Raisins, Banana (There are cornflakes under there, I promise). Portions like this are why I'm scared to death about my injury.

Lunch was just my regular chickpea salad, GF bread with Pure spread and Salt & Vinegar Soy Crisps. Then about 4 hours later a Berry Cheeky 68g Nakd Bar for a snack.

Dinner (Today):

Lentil & Apricot Bolognese, Corn Spaghetti, Peas and Green Beans

I only ate this an hour ago and I'm starving already. I have a snack planned for later but if I can't exist on this amount of calories without having such hideous bingeing urges, how the heck will I function when I have to cut down tomorrow? I'm not making assumptions or presupposing that I'll gain weight when it won't be the case...the reality for me is that every time I've tried to exercise like a normal human being I have piled on so much weight it's not even funny. I must have the metabolism of a slug. Or hippo. Although I think the whole 'slow metabolism' thing has been disproved anyway. This really is like exquisite torture. I really don't think I can carry on any more. I just don't want to wake up to tomorrow...

22/11/09~(Mis)Representation

So I realised that in my last post I may have given the impression (indirectly) that my poor protein intake and problems with calcium absorption have some relation to my vegan lifestyle. This couldn't be further from the truth: for almost everyone it is perfectly possible to maintain an adequate protein and calcium intake as a vegan. The Vegan Society has some great factsheets on the subject.

My issues are so complicated it's a joke. My IBS complicates matters hugely, as I can't eat green leafy vegetables aside from spinach and watercress. I can't tolerate tofu, tempeh, dried figs, tahini or any of the other vegan calcium sources. That's why I cook my oats in rice milk and try to incorporate the calcium fortified Rice Dream into other things too (i.e polenta). My inability to absorb calcium is linked to other health problems: I'm supposed to get 300% of the RDA, but even so it's a total shock and surprise that my levels were that bad. I've got the dairy-eating brigade on my back about preventing osteoparosis by the time I'm thirty, but they seem to have overlooked the fact that dairy isn't the best calcium source anyway: the animal protein inhibits absorption and countries with a low dairy intake (such as China and Japan) have lower rates of osteoparosis than the dairy-chugging West. Shame doctors don't seem to understand that, though.

The same goes for protein: the only protein-dense vegan foods I can eat are chickpeas. Lentils and beans I have occasionally but they upset my stomach too...I have them for variety more than anything. Sadly, I don't have the money to purchase protein powders such as Sun Warrior, which would help me hugely. Thanks a lot to HM Customs for slapping a £100 import charge on it on top of shipping fees. Anyone without my IBS and wheat/gluten/most soy intolerance could easily meet their protein requirements as a vegan.

Sometimes I feel that I shouldn't post food at all or mention veganism, as I am a terrible role model for it and give the impression that vegans are malnourished, disordered in their eating and, well...crazy. I don't want anyone to associate veganism with negative connotations, however subliminal they may be. I want people to know how wonderful veganism is, ethically and in terms of nutrition, yet I still struggle to maintain my own veganism (five years with a few 'slips' of insanity) not because I'm deprived but due to a combination of my IBS and disordered eating patterns.

In other news, my right hip (the old problem was with the left one ~ it's not the same hip that was injured a while ago) is improving *fingers crossed* with some intensive physiotherapy on Friday. Apparently, it's not my hip at all but a nerve running down from my spine. Scoliosis strikes again. Also, it's unlikely to be a running/overuse injury, but a sciatica-related issue caused by sitting for long periods typing endless essays and spending vast amounts of time on my bum, compressing my spine while doing research. I wonder if the NHS will pay for orthopoedic chairs? Doubtful.

Breakfast (Friday):

1/2 cup oats, 1 cup rice milk, cinnamon, raisins, chestnuts, banana

I've been attempting to live without nut butters, hence the strange oat toppings recently. I always overdo the portion size on nut butters and with the uncertainty of the winter frosts looming I just don't think it's safe to have them in the house as potential binge triggers. I do miss them though...whole nuts just aren't the same :( The problem here was that, though chestnuts are naturally sweet, pairing them with raisins and banana made them taste strangely savoury and bland by comparison.

Snack (Friday):

Product Review: Whole Earth Soy Crisps ~ Paprika
You'd think I would be a seasoned label reader by now, but apparently not. Despite taking a photo of the back of the packet I totally missed the fact that these have onion powder in them. It's there above me, in black and white (well, yellow) and as a result it's difficult to produce an unbiased review of something that gave me four hours worth of acid reflux to deal with. Never mind. When I was a child, among the many unhealthy snacks I liked to consume (away from my Mum's health-conscious eye...boy, do I wish I'd listened to her more then) were Walkers Barbeque Flavoured Crisps. These taste exactly like them: smoky, slightly spicy and a little 'junky'. Though these aren't full of crap like the Walkers version and the lovely, airy texture of the Salt & Vinegar flavour is still there, I wasn't crazy about the artificial element of the taste, despite there being no suspect ingredients. My tastes have definitely changed, thank goodness. Even without the aforementioned onion being added, I still much prefer the Salt & Vinegar flavour. These are still a great source of protein though ~ 8.7g for 110 calories really can't be beat in terms of a crisp-based snack.
6/10

Newly replenished bar stash...I really shouldn't eat these as the gluten in the raw oats makes me feel as though I've swallowed a beach ball, but I have no other bar options and can't afford to keep ordering online. I also don't like baked goods, even gluten-free ones and haven't got a powerful enough blender to make home-made bars. I do love the taste of the Nakd Bars though. It's the same with oatmeal...after two instances with no negative reaction it's causing me stomach problems again. I can't live on cornflakes every morning for breakfast and I'm afraid to try other grains in case they don't work and I binge because they're unsatisfying, or that they end up being too high calorie. I suppose at least aforementioned beach-ball effect makes it very difficult to think about bingeing. I curse my digestive system sometimes.

There's more...Nakd Minis

Dinner (Friday):

Full serving of polenta (made with rice milk), peas and spinach in tomato sauce, nutritional yeast

Snack (Friday):

The very last Raw Organic Food Bar. I feel somewhat ambivalent about them all being gone...on the one hand I was a little sick of them after eating 32 in five weeks, but at least they were gluten free and didn't mess with my stomach. Usual 9 miles and DVD craziness for exercise.

Breakfast (Saturday):

Doves Farm Cornflakes, rice milk, banana, sultanas

Snack (Saturday):

It's back...Coco Loco Nakd Bar. My poor tum went a little insane after this. Twas tasty though. Saturday included biking 14 miles, gym and pilates.

Breakfast (Today):

2/3 cup oats, 1 1/3 cups rice milk, cinnamon, raisins, banana

I really don't learn. While it was a delicious way to refuel after a 13.5 mile run, I am still nursing another Watermelon-sized stomach. Bleh. I wish I could just eat normally. Then again, don't we all?

Hope everyone is having a great Sunday.

<3>

19/11/09~ Wreck

I'm becoming quite the master of one-word post titles, no? I don't know whether that's symptomatic of my lethargic state of mind lately (um, it's a polite phraseology which basically means 'I'm lazy') or just that my customary verbosity has taken a holiday...where titles are concerned at the very least. Actually it's becoming difficult to formulate my thoughts into a post at all...not so much Bloggers' block as being unable to write anything even vaguely coherent. Clearly, this also applies to my academic work.

I'll elaborate further: basically, the marks I received for my first two essays broke my heart. I know that sounds horribly melodramatic, but bear in mind that academic achievement is the only validation I have that I am not completely insane. If my marks are high, then I can somehow pass my ridiculous brain off as being a reflection of 'tortured genius' or something similarly arrogant. Without my top grades, I am just another nut. Sorry to be so glib, but the last part of my identity that I wasn't utterly ashamed of disappeared on Wednesday afternoon. Granted, they weren't bad in the sense of failing my Masters, but they weren't anywhere near the standard that I'm used to. Perhaps it's unsurprising; my heart really isn't in this course at all and I'm still pining for an art degree, but I still put in a decent amount of effort. That was just the first in a series of events which left me feeling utterly despairing.

The other three are as follows:
1.) My hair is now coming out in clumps the size of furballs when I brush it. At this rate I'll end up bald and with my face shape I'll look like a shaved egg.
2.) My bone density has worstened since last year. Apparently my calcium levels are rock bottom too, which I don't understand as I take a supplement and drink calcium fortified rice milk.
3.) My right hip has officially died. It hurts to do practically anything but I'm pushing through the pain. I know this is stupid, I know it's counterproductive but I don't have the willpower to eat less to compensate for any lack of activity. I either rest now and gain weight, or push it to the point of collapse and also gain weight. It's a choice between fat, fatter or fattest and that isn't a damn choice at all. I'd have to eat <1200 calories to compensate for the lack of activity and there's no way I can do that without bingeing.

I know I should be grateful that my body can do anything, that I have no major disabilities, but though I'm aware there are people far worse off than me there are also a large proportion of individuals who are far better off. It's killing me that my struggle with my weight is going to be lifelong. I've tried to 'let it go' and that got me to a point where I wanted to vomit every time I looked at myself. Various medical practitioners have agreed that I should be able to eat more without having to exercise like a lunatic just to maintain my weight. Before I had all but a fragment of ovary removed, they were polycystic, but I didn't have polycystic ovarian syndrome because my hormone profiles didn't match the diagnostic criteria. I've had my thyroid tested and there's nothing wrong with it. Every psychologist and therapist I've seen has tried to make me accept that my natural weight is on the high side. Why should I have to accept that!? Since when is it 'natural' to look like a complete whale, to have thighs that touch in the middle? I know you could say that fighting it is making me miserable, but I've always been miserable because I will never be happy in a body that's too large for me. I can be miserable and thinner, or miserable and fatter. Again, it's not a choice. How am I supposed to trust my body when every part of it is a wreck and the times I have tried to 'respect' and 'honour' it, it's come back and spat in my face with 10lbs of weight gain? I am a physical and mental wreck; joints, back, mind, digestive system, reproductive system, hair, skin...they're all awful and totally disgust me.

I'm sorry yet again for the selfish rant. I'm just so incredibly low and have no method of coping with it...perhaps some eats will lighten the mood a little?

Dinner (Weds):

After doing the Fall survey I was inspired to have a version of the stew I mentioned:
lentils, peas, watercress, carrots, oats

Snack (Weds):

Gluten-free bread with Pure Spread and Strawberry Jam:
I'm almost out of bars so had to be more creative with my snacks. It was very nice...toasted one half and left the other half as bread.

Lunch (Today):

I seem to specialise in unphotogenic lunches...chickpea/carrot/tomato salad, GF bread, chestnuts.

Snack:

JAZZ apple and grapes

Snack:

The last Organic Food Bar Kids Chocolate Brownie Kerrunch.

Dinner:

1/2 serving of polenta, chickpeas in tomato sauce with nut. yeast, peas & watercress

Breakfast this morning was an epic fail: I tried mixing the last of the Nutiva Hemp Chocolate Shakes into my porridge and it didn't work...the taste was so bitter, despite adding sultanas and copious amounts of agave. I resorted to cornflakes with sultanas, rice milk and banana instead. I guess only Sun Warrior is delicious mixed into oatmeal.

I managed my half marathon on Wednesday along with some Tae-Bo, MTV Power Yoga and Body Balance. Today was just Tae-Bo, 4.5 miles on the treadmill, 102 lengths in the pool, pilates and a dance class which replaced Body Jam for the night but wasn't as energetic...so I freaked out and did another 20 minutes of Tae-Bo afterwards. Probably still not enough to compensate though *sigh*. Please send healing thoughts towards my right hip!

<3

17/11/09~Bland

Oh my...it feels so odd to be posting without a specific 'purpose'. It feels even more disconcerting not to be able to impart any incidents of high drama or emotional upheaval. The weak so far has been, as the title suggests, bland. It's a case of same old running (though I still love it!), gym, pilates, weights, essay writing, essay feedback, presentation-compiling, hours of academic discussion. I don't mind it as much as I did when I first started the course, but I still get the disillusioning sense that I'm ticking along through life and wasting it. What I would like to do and/or how I can find that sense of fulfilment that I lack is so intangible that I have absolutely no idea what I need to change or do, or how I can be proactive in making something of my life. But I won't dwell on those thoughts because then my brain starts coming out with the 'life is pointless' sentiments it's so fond of and other thoughts start creeping in which are too hideous to acknowledge. I don't know why they keep trying to be honest: I love my parents and would never do anything to hurt them that much. End of story.

I'm sorry if this post is as bland as my week ~ I often feel very much an outsider in the sense that my blog does not fit a particular genre. I am constantly surprised that anyone reads it at all! I'm not recovering from anorexia so I can't post inspiring quotes, fears overcome, battles won. I don't have a particularly engaging or dynamic personality so my writing is unlikely to reflect anything other than the timid introvert with a serious case of disorganised thought processes that I am. I'm not training for any spectacular feats of athletic endurance. I don't have an amazing and unique way of looking at the world which allows me to help others or observe it in a wonderfully cynical or humerous way. I struggle to formulate my thoughts into coherent narratives regularly, which means posts can be all over the place...which is still better than the stuttering wreck I become when I attempt to talk about anything other than academic waffle in 'reality.'

Anyway, enough self-depricating musings. The wonderful Jessica (is there any other type of Jessica lol) tagged me for a survey with an autumnal flavour, so here goes nothing:

1. favorite variety of apple? Jazz all the way. However, I have never seen or tried the Honeycrisps that most people seem to go wild over, so perhaps I am missing out?

2. apples dipped in..? Nothing! Why spoil a gorgeous apple? Bananas & nut butter, yes...apples and nut butter? Not really a fan.

3. favorite way to enjoy pumpkin? In a bowl of oat bran with chocolate Sun Warrior Protein powder mixed in. Ah Sun Warrior, how I do miss thee...

4. favorite soup? with crackers or bread? Carrot, cumin and coconut milk with freshly toasted gluten-free white bread.

5. do you eat orange foods all year round? Most definitely. I can't think of a day in the last ten years when I haven't eaten at least one carrot. Sweet potatoes are a firm favourite year-round too.

6. most used spice in your autumn cooking: I think we all know that I'm going to say cinnamon...

7. you are baking some homemade bread, what flavor combination of bread would you like to make? Hmm, well my gluten-free baking endeavours have all been unmitigated disasters. But if I could manage to make it work I'd say vegan chocolate chip pumpkin bread...with cinnamon ;)

8. favorite autumn vegetables and ways to eat it? Kabocha squash, steamed or roasted plain. I adore steamed Brussels Sprouts but my stomach can't handle them :( Although my beloved Kabocha doesn't like me much either...next time I'll have to buy a much smaller one. Fibre + Jessica=no bueno :( Might have to revise it and say nuked sweet potatoes but that wouldn't be very creative of me, would it?

9. hot chocolate, hot cider, coffee or tea? Since caffeine sends me haywire I'd have to say decaf tea with rice milk.

10. favorite seasonal dessert? Baked apples with raisins, agave...and cinnamon!

11. lets make a fall stew! pick any 6 ingredients to create your one: Lentils, carrots, sweet potatoes, watercress (not 'fall' strictly but I love it and it's great in stews provided it's added at the very last minute), oats and peas...oh, and chestnuts! Yeah, I have seven...I'm a rebel.

12. pumpkin seeds, sunflower seeds, walnuts or almonds to snack on? I'm not crazy about any of them but if I have to choose I'll say roasted almonds, burnt slightly.

13. popcorn flavor/seasoning? I'm so awkward...I don't like popcorn as I always choke on it!

14. bowl of hot cereal you have been wanting to try: Chia Protein Oat Bran

15. post a link to a recipe that you recently bookmarked: Simple Lentil Loaf

For this survey I tag:

Aisha

Shelley

Katie

Breakfast (Monday):

1/2 cup oats, 1 cup rice milk, cinnamon, banana, Bear Cocoa Cherry Pie Granola, raisins

Lunch:

I know it looks horrible but honestly it wasn't! Caroline's link to Simple Lentil Loaf in a sandwich. The portion size was huge! I hope to goodness I didn't get the recipe wrong...

There was even a slice left over to go with my fruit/veggie plate.

Snack:

There was also an apple with this...Pink Lady, not Jazz as it had been sitting in the fridge for weeks and needed to be used up.

Good stats again...

Product Review: Bear Granola ~ Apple Cinnamon
Dare I say that this was bland? It's the word of the week, folks. My main issue with these granolas is that they're so dry and really stick in the throat. I must have downed 500ml of water while eating this one packet. I know I shouldn't complain about something that isn't laden with calories and fat as most granolas are, but when it affects the taste it just isn't worth it. That said, it did have a nice crunch to it and the clusters were nice and chunky. It didn't have the artificial flavour of the cocoa cherry variety and actually tasted of what it was supposed to. Overall it was good but not great, and I probably won't buy it again. 7/10

Dinner:

Mushrooms and chestnuts in vegan gravy, sweet potato & parsley mash, peas & watercress.

Breakfast (today):

1/2 cup oats, 1 cup rice milk, cinnamon, sultanas, almonds, banana
And after I said I didn't like almonds...but my Mum roasted them and then didn't want them so who am I to deny my status as a human garbage disposal?

Short post for me...I wish I had something better to say but we've all had enough of negative rants so I think I'll sign off and try to get some much needed sleep!